Quite a bit of time has passed in the months since my first entry and there are many things I could tell you: such as the fact that mother's day passed, I graduated from high school, or that my best friend is now a married woman. I may, at some point, return to these topics, but right now a certain subject is weighing heavily upon my heart.
Since the day I learned I was accepted into The University of My Dreams, I have experienced a cycle of emotions; a grieving process, if you will.
Step One: shock (did this really just happen?)
Step Two: denial (the part where I blatantly ignore the fact that my childhood is ending and proceed to savor the sweet taste of innocence while I can).
Step Three: hysteria (what? college? socializing? reality? balderdash!)
Step Four: acceptance.
I am currently on Step Four, which is not so much acceptance but the sharp slap of adulthood on my face.
And I am excited for college: I really am. I am hopeful, which is a beautiful state to be in. However, I am also worried, and as a practiced worrier, I am meticulously filing every single thing that can go wrong for me into my Cabinet of Anxiety: things such as what if nobody likes me? or what if my teachers are mean? or what if my cookies don't turn out well in the high altitude? The important topics.
I was given a gift today from a soul very dear to mine. Once I arrived home, I went straight to my room and opened it. I sobbed. It is such a magnificent gift, so kind and gracious and wonderful. It is everything I love and it was as if a part of my heart had been displayed on each page. As I cherished my gift, I felt such a comfort. I am loved by so many and I feel great gratitude in that. Not everyone is as lucky as I and it feels selfish to waste any of the blessings I am given. I want to experience all the good the world has to offer me. I want to travel and learn and have adventures and meet wonderful people and do glorious things. Though I am very afraid, I hope the love others have for me will help me to be brave.
My father gave me a priesthood blessing tonight. At first I cried and shook underneath his words, but a sweet peace came over me as he continued to speak. How glad I am that he is a worthy man, and how glad I am to have a Heavenly Father who sends such good things to me! Leaving my only home and family will be the hardest challenge but I think I am ready to experience what lies in store. After all, dreams and wishes can only take us so far.
Anyway, it's late and raining and I am most likely making utter nonsense. Also, I have to wake up at six-fifteen a.m., approximately six hours from now, and proceed to drive for thirteen hours. So here is my last farewell: au revior, childhood. It was nice while it lasted.
